When most people see something inappropriate, they often do feel bad and wish that they could help. The most common excuses I hear from participants in our workshops is “I don’t know what to say” or “I don’t know how to bring it up.” Offering support to someone you suspect experienced something harmful or inappropriate is not difficult. It might be scary and unfamiliar but it doesn’t involve a lot of complicated steps.
All you need to do is ask and listen. Let them know what you thought you saw and ask how it affected them. Express concern but don’t assume that they need or want your help. Ask if and how you can help. Leave it up to them. Even if they don’t want your help, they know that someone cared enough to ask and there is support if they need it. If they are not sure what to do, help them explore their options. Direct them to someone that knows more about it then you do. Support them in their decision, even if you would make a different choice.
So what does it actually look like? Here are some examples of how to start this conversation.
- Is everything alright?
- I’ve been thinking about what happened at (class/work/group/lunch) yesterday? What did you think about it?
- This may not be any of my business, but are you ok?
- Sorry to interrupt, but do you need any help?
- I saw what happened and no one deserves to be treated like that.
- Is there anything I can do to help?
- Do you want to talk about it?
- I’m sorry that happened.
- Were you bothered by…?
- If you want to talk about it, I’m here.
It doesn’t have to be long or complicated. I’ve had people break down and cry and I’ve had people tell me to mind my own business. I perform interventions because creating a safer community means that members of that community need to be active in confronting inappropriate behaviors, holding offenders accountable and offering support and services to survivors. It also involves modeling bystander interventions for those around you. I would want someone to offer support to me or someone I cared about. I also do it because I was tired of remaining silent and then feeling like crap afterwards.
If you aren’t sure if someone needs help, ask!
